When I ventured back into the dating pool after sixteen years of marriage, I was not prepared. I had been warned; before I got on a dating site, a friend of mine casually informed me that I’d likely be approached by couples looking to add some spice to their sex life in the form of threesomes. I had no idea just how many people were looking for a third to join them in the bedroom. I assumed no one would be interested in a middle-aged, divorced woman for that kind of thing.

But I was wrong.

The first time a couple tried to match with me was on Tinder. I didn’t accept the match but I recognized them immediately a few days later, in the grocery store as I was picking out cucumbers. And as I walked by, I noticed the husband was casually scrolling Tinder. In front of his wife. But then, I guess it was her Tinder, too!

I thought perhaps they were just really progressive and I was, of course, a bit behind the times because I hadn’t been in the dating world for a while. But they were far from the only ones. If anything, sometimes it felt like the norm. Here I was, a newly single person who wanted to find other single people, but honestly, there were more couples on those dating sites looking for someone to join them than single men. And it was really throwing off my search.

No judgment here, but I know myself. Joining another couple will never be my thing. I mean, I enjoy the fantasy of it, but to be really blunt, I’m not going to share good sex. Nope. I’ll take that all for myself.

I’m also a monogamous person. When I like someone, I only have room for them in my head and my heart and seeing them with someone else would hurt me.

I did a bit more exploring and talked to a surprisingly large number of women and men who’ve done threesomes. I heard over and over that they don’t get jealous, and their partners aren’t even always directly involved in the action. Sometimes the experience is simply so their husband or partner can see them with another woman. I understand that, too.

What I didn’t understand was everyone’s casualness around the subject. The women and men I talked to about it acted like it wasn’t a big deal to invite someone else into their bedroom and it doesn’t mean a thing. It’s about fantasy and the experience. In fact, I’ve felt like I’m in the minority and the only single woman on earth that isn’t into threesomes. And I’m ok with that.

I admit that I almost second-guessed myself when I hired a handy man to do some work on my house. Now, he was more than 20 years younger than me and completely professional while he was here. When he left, he said he’d be in touch with me about when the rest of the necessary supplies were in, so he could finish the job.

A half hour later I got a flirty text from him. Then an apology when I didn’t respond. He confessed that he and his wife were looking for a third and he thought I’d be a good fit. When I declined, he talked about it like having a threesome was a regular Tuesday night for them, and I was really missing out.

Honestly, my single biggest question about threesomes is simple: how do you all have the time? I’m tired. And while I enjoy pleasing my partner, I don’t want to have to worry about pleasing another person, having another person touch me, or having to, like, wait my turn. Also, as a woman who has been dating for a really long time, I haven’t met a man I thought could handle two women at the same time. I mean, they’re tired too. They get foot cramps, run out of breath, have a hard time keeping the sails up, take forever to hit the right spot unless they’re given good instructions, and honestly, they are always worn down way before me. And I’m no Energizer Bunny.

So, how can a man handle pleasing two people? Or is it all about them? Because if that’s that case, I know for certain I’m out.

Also, when did this become such a casual topic that everyone has tried? And am I the only woman on earth who isn’t interested in trying this? Maybe I’m selfish and just not that into sharing. Honestly, I’m more than okay with that. I’ll continue to use my vibrator until I find someone who doesn’t treat me like there’s something wrong with me because threesomes aren’t my thing.