So this is where we honor writers who impressed us with their brave journalistic pursuits. And tonight’s winner, we get right to it. Jeremy Bailey, a writer for The Wrap, an entertainment website. on Friday, last week, he broke a major story about a famous TV anchor saying something shockingly disgusting to a co-anchor. I believe we have tape of what actually caused the uproar. 

[Video of The Five]

Now, did you catch that? Panelist Greg Gutfeld, otherwise known as me, referred to Dana Perino as a “little lady,” talk about a microaggression. Here’s a quote from Bailey and The Wrap, “Perino and Gutfeld often trade witty barbs and banter, but Perino is also a veteran news anchor whose career dates to a stint as the White House press secretary during the G.W. Bush administration. While it took her a beat to register, Gutfeld’s reference to her as the ‘little lady,’ she laughed it off and she continued.”

Now, you think that I just told Dana to take off her shoes and get in the kitchen where she belongs, which, by the way, is what I say to Jesse every day. But apparently the writer was shocked at Dana’s response, which he described as, quote, unfazed. Yes, unfazed, like she’s a war reporter, continuing a live hit while bombs are raining down. 

So what was she supposed to do, fly into a rage, slap me across the face, even when she knows how much I like that? So why doesn’t she care? Well, the reporter could have answered it himself if he knew the topic he was writing about, but that would require journalistic ability. So why should she be unfazed? Would she be unfazed over being called a little lady? 

[Compilation of Gutfeld calling Perino “short”]

Breaking news – a woman can take a joke. Anyway, not deterred by this sordid history, the writer, knowing he had the scoop of his lifetime actually reached out to Fox, our company, for comment. And that read right to our Gutfeld Complaint department. 

[Skit]

So The wrap expected, Dana, to be offended so they decided they would be offended for her as well. But how offended was she really? Well, we go to Dana for a comment. 

Dana Perino: Hey, Jeremy, if you think that’s offensive, you should hear what I call Greg in private. Like how he’s a no talent **** chicken**** full of horse**** I’ve got more talent in my **** than he does in his entire ****. And just being around that makes me want to **** all over the **** floor. I mean, I know squirrels with bigger **** than him. Do I need to go on? 

Oh, wow. Clap, oh, you clap for that. Now being fair and balanced, unafraid and also gorgeous. We went to Jeremy for a comment. Right, because that would be fair. Yes. We actually reached out for a comment on him needing to reach out for a comment and we tried to review his other writing to see if it’s parody or if he’s always this stupid. Here’s the actual email we sent. And so far there’s been no response. 

[Picture of email]

So what a perfect microcosm of the current journalism landscape. People who don’t know what they’re talking about try to create a scandal off a single throwaway line. That’s journalism. But it’s not just them. Yahoo News reprinted this story, and I know what you’re thinking. What’s Yahoo News? 

But there’s a whole ecosystem of stupid lefty takes. It’s like a terrarium, except the reptiles are even uglier. Now look at this headline for Media Matters just a few weeks ago, Fox News Greg Gutfeld calls for the arrest of Dr. Jill as payback for the indictment of Donald Trump. 

Again, they wouldn’t know a joke even if it started with the words “Knock, Knock.” Here’s a clip they were so offended by. 

[Clip]

Yeah. I guess you can’t tell when someone’s joking if you have no sense of humor. But that got picked up by these hacks who realize they can’t write what they really want to write if they admit that it’s a joke. So instead they lie to their viewers or their readers. But you can see how nothing matters when your filter is preconceived and you’re desperate for content. It doesn’t make you a journalist. It just makes you a hole filler. Wake up, fill a hole, go home, cry yourself to sleep. You know, you’d be a lot happier if you worked on potholes. At least there you’d have something to be proud of at the end of the day. And this ain’t it, Jeremy.